Additionally, I doubted my ability to remain enthused, let alone, conscious for the 24 hour non-stop festivities. However, now that it is over I must say that I am extremely happy with both the level to which I was entertained, and the amount of time I spent actually awake.
The fest started with Tentacles, a very poorly done rip off of Jaws. It was a great way to start off my B-Fest experience. We arrived about ten minutes late, and were lucky to find some very convenient seats towards the back of the theatre. The crowd was extremely “rowdy” shouting and yelling all sorts of comments at the screen. There were so many entertaining highlights that I do not know where to begin. There was “Tentacles” the “monster” who looked more like a floating turd than anything.
Two young boys with a mother…Shelley Winters…who would have been more accurately cast as their grandmother…who makes questionable comments to them…with even more questionable facial expressions. The cherry on the top of this turd movie sundae was the yacht race. About 30-40 youngster set sail in their yachts, and Tentacles set about terrorizing them. The most disappointing part of the movie was at the end when you realized that the coast guard had managed to save all but one of the children. This was a great choice as a first movie because it provided ammunition for most of the other movies to come. There were constant references to tentacles…and what is sure to become a classic b-fest sign to come. See…when the coast guard was trying to save the little kids in the yacht race, they held up a sign from the helicopter that read “Danger! Go Back!”
The next movie Dracula's Daughter was probably one of my three favorite movies of the festival. It was everything I love about bad movies. It was pre 1950, black and white, and had countless cheese, and even some sexual innuendo. The problem is that I am not completely convinced that this film should be featured at a B-Fest event. Just because a movie is old, and a sequel to a classic doesn’t necessarily make it bad. I could watch this movie again, in the absence of audience commentary and be just as thoroughly entertained.Next on the agenda is Barbarella probably one of the silliest and most sexually charged movies in the lineup. There really isn’t a story line. It is more or less a compilation of scenes you would swear were taken directly out of some late seventies porno. They are almost always just an excuse for Jane Fonda to strip out of one of her plastic, or in some cases furry, costumes, have a few herbal essence moments, and then change into yet another atrociously skimpy and offensive costume. My favorite part of the movie was when Barbarella and some other random stiff had “relations” by taking a pill, and then placing their hands palm to palm. In yet another ridiculous scene (featured in the following clip) Barbarella is pleasure…nearly to death…by Duran Duran…the evil villain in a musical instrument contraption…yes I am being serious here…check it out for yourself. Barbarella, being the slutty, sex crazed maniac that she is proved to powerful to succumb to the woes of this machine and burned out all of its fuses.
The next two titles are B-Fest rituals; Wizard of Speed and Time and Plan 9 From Outer Space The wizard of speed and time is a short film about nothing really. It features a guy dressed up in a green dragon suit racing around. He eventually slips on a banana peel and goes launching through the air. The only thing entertaining about this 3 minute film is the fact that a large percentage of the audience goes up on stage and stomps along in what seems like a perfectly choreographed routine. This is followed by another audience participation charged film Plan 9. I honestly couldn’t tell you much about the plot of the movie. As a B-Fest virgin I was somewhat distracted by the constant shouts of Bela…Not Bela…wicker/rattan…not to mention the endless barrage of paper plates into the air. This was the only time I really wished we had different seats was during this movie. Since we were so far back the paper plates that came into our row were somewhat limited. See, the tradition is for everyone to spend the first hours of B-Fest writing messages and drawing funny pictures on paper plates, then during Plan 9, whenever there is a scene with a cheesy UFO, everyone launches their paper plates into the air. My personal favorite, for very specific reasons, was a plate that says…The sexiest girls come at B-Fest.The next movie was Black Samson This film started at 1:30am and I was so extremely exhausted that I couldn’t physically keep my eyes open. This was really disappointing because I am sure that I really would have enjoyed all the cheesy suckage this film had to offer. I unfortunately slept completely through the entire film.
After my nap was Zardoz I am not entirely sure why but this is another one of my favorite three movies of the fest. Maybe it was Sean Connery dressed in a Speedo esque loin cloth. Maybe it was the fact that for the first half of the movie Connery uttered little or no words, only grunts. Or maybe it was the fact that I am really not sure about exactly what the plot entailed. Or maybe just maybe it is yet another classically entertaining quote…this time from a giant floating stone head. "The gun is good! The penis is bad!" I could go on and on about the little intricacies that make this one of my favs…but I will spare you. But just know that soon I will make this part of my personal DVD collection.Zardoz was followed up by The Magic Sword I didn’t remember ever seeing this one but about ten minutes in it became strangely familiar. Andy then pointed out that it was featured on an episode of MST so I took this as a cue…as did Andy…to yes…NAP.
I also slept through a good portion of The Bluebird . Liz Taylor wasn’t enough to keep this sleepy B-Fest virgin awake at the wee hours of 6:30am. I did catch a few choice scenes of the movie. My favorite being one featuring the little girl who found the blue bird…only to realize that it was dead. I couldn’t help it but started laughing hysterically.I did manage to find a picture of the little girld holding a bluebird, however I really do wish I could find one of her sobbing and holding the obviously dead bluebird....that would be a sure fire desktop background for quite a long while. The video clip is in Russian, but it won’t matter, because you probably won’t understand any less of it than you would have if you would have seen it in English.This was the point where Andy and I ventured out in the 2 degree weather for breakfast. Never before did I think I would be so excited to be at a Burger King!!
We came back in the midst of The Mummy's Hand Somehow now I am at a complete loss about this movie. I can’t seem to remember much about it. I do kind of remember a woman who goes on an expedition with her father and two “swindlers” So obviously this was pretty uneventful as far as movies go.
The next movie ended up being quite the disappointment.The Undying Monster was one of the movies I was most excited about seeing. It ended up being more of a Clue Esque Murder Mystery than a 1940’s monster movie. Up until this point my comments about the movies were quite limited, and when I did utter a comment it was usually only audible to Andy and myself. However at this point in the day, fully rested, and with a whopper resting quite peacefully in my gullet, and a course or two or three of caffeine raging through my veins I became a bit more animated and vocal. I couldn’t tell you exactly what any of my comments were but they did encourage a few laughs from Andy, and a few brief chuckles from the surrounding festers. I was quite proud of myself at this point, so the disappointment I felt in regards to the actual film waned quite quickly.
The next movie was quite a surprise to me. Xanadu was made in that odd time between disco and the early eighties new wave era. It stars Olivia Newton-John
who I do believe came straight off the set of Grease to make Xanadu. That explains why a large number of the dance numbers, as well as Olivia’s mannerisms were direct rip offs of the aforementioned blockbuster musical. I believe that the music to dialogue ratio was a bit off, even for me. I mean I love musicals…I can probably recite the entire script to Grease, the Sound of Music, RENT, and many others. However the cheesiness/lack of an interesting plot made it hard even for me to stomach. Some of the more entertaining parts of the movie were including Gene Kelly…”The greatest dance of the all!” Yes the movie itself is horrible…but watching in the company of all of the other festers was quite enjoyable. Especially at the end when several audience member took to the stage to dance along to the music. Definitely one of the highlights of the fest for me. On a side note, after the movie, we overheard a conversation which was later confirmed...Xanadu is in fact currently featured...on Broadway!!!! WOW....WTF....and OMG...are all appropriate reactions to this news.The next movie The Creature Walks Among Us was yet another black and white beauty, which inspired several comments from not only the surrounding crowd, but even myself. The highlight of this one was when the creature was set on fire by a bowl of gasoline. Basically the gist of this one is that they captured the creature, burned him like a marshmallow on a campfire, took him back to the lab, wrapped him in gauze, and somehow turned him into a land creature. It also features a jerk off husband who borders on wife beater, the usually expected bad special effects and plot holes. And I am pretty sure the scenes of the creature are the exact same one taken for the first movie…although I personally cannot prove this.
The next movie was supposed to be The Empire of the Ants however due to technical difficulties they were unable to show it. We instead were blessed with a Chuck Norris turd Lone Wolf McQuade Now I must say I am not a fan of Chuck Norris…at all! In fact, I can hardly stand him. But the reaction I witnessed from Andy when Chuck popped up on the big screen made me really want to stomach this movie. His eyes lit up like a little kid on Christmas morning, and I am pretty sure there was a least a tiny bounce in his seat! I did not need a nap but about ten minutes was all I could handle of this crapper.
The final movie of B-Fest was yet another title which left a lot to be desired…at least with me. Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla was one of the most anticipated showings by many of the fest attendees.
I am really not a fan of Godzilla movies, nor am I a fan of most Japanese cinema. However, in the spirit of the fest, and because it was the last movie of the day I felt compelled to try to enjoy it. The cheesiness is undeniable. And while it was nowhere near entertaining, it was at least watchable…at least this once.So…all in all…B-Fest was an awesome experience. I can not wait to go next year. Now that I know more of what to expect, I am sure I will be better prepared and more participatory. It is just too bad we have to wait till next year! Some people may have been burned out beyond belief by all of the bad movies…but what did I do after going home, eating, and showering???? I turned on WCIU and started watching Wolf Man…yep that’s right…I just didn’t get enough. And whats even better…I spent the evening tonight, while writing this blog watching One Body Too Many , Swamp Women and probably my favorite black and white horror flick The Killer Shrews.
So to anyone out there who reads this and is at least mildly amused…plan on attending B-Fest next year, you will not be disappointed. I don’t know how anyone could not have a good time!
1 comment:
thanks for Zardoz!
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